Material Girls

This 2006 teen movie directed by Martha Coolidge follows sisters Ava Marchetta (Haylie Duff) and Tanzie Marchetta (Hilary Duff) as they navigate a scandal that strips them of their wealth and reputation. They are heirs to their late father's cosmetics company, which is being run by co-founder and interim CEO Tommy Katzenbach (Brent Spiner). When a media scandal ruins their father's reputation and devalues their company, it looks like Marchetta Cosmetics will have to be sold to competing brand Fabiella. The ditzy, self-centered girls are determined to clear their father's name and save the company, even though they're broke after their company assets are frozen and homeless after accidentally burning down their mansion. They eventually uncover the truth that Tommy orchestrated the scandal so the company would be sold to Fabiella, who had promised him a job. The movie ends with both girls dating cute, low-income boys and running their father's company themselves.

You know they're serious businesswomen because they're wearing blazers.

What's different

Almost everywhere that this 2006 Hilary and Haylie Duff movie is mentioned online, there is a passing reference to its being loosely based on Sense and Sensibility. I'm not sure I believe it, though, because honestly, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is a better adaptation than this.

Here is a list of things that Material Girls and Sense and Sensibility have in common:

1. The main characters are two sisters.
2. Their dad is dead.
3. They are each in a relationship at the end. 

That's it, that's the list. 

I can't even tell which sister is supposed to be Marianne and which is Elinor. Part of the problem is that Ava (Haylie Duff) and Tanzie (Hilary Duff) are basically the same person. There's some very forced characterization of Tanzie as "the smart one" because she wants to go to college (whoa, so crazy!), but they don't even have enough personality left over for Ava to have a thing. She's just the other one. 

"I'M THE SMART ONE!!!"

Is Tanzie even a name, by the way? It's short for Tanzania, so I can only assume she's named after the place she was conceived.

About 3/4 of the way through the movie, I was shocked to realize that Ava is the older sister. She has a boyfriend in the beginning who dumps her later, so I guess that makes her Marianne in spite of being the eldest.

With it being so difficult to identify Elinor and Marianne, it's not surprising that every other character is non-existent or even more difficult to identify. Henry the pro bono lawyer must be Brandon because he's presumably older (the actor is 9 years older than Haylie Duff). The real clincher here is that Ava says the reason she likes Henry is because he reminds her of her dad, and creepy father-daughter vibes are so Brandon-Marianne. 

That makes Rick the Edward of this movie, but nothing about him is Edward-like. The girls are so self-absorbed that they assume he's a parking attendant, but we find out later he's a lab tech at their father's company. He and Tanzie are vibing from the start, but there's absolutely nothing keeping them apart. I thought at first that the weird intern might be the Lucy figure, but turns out she's just a groupie. She barely speaks and never has anything to do with Rick. 

She has Lucy's vacant stare.

Also: no mom in the picture, no overzealous matchmaking neighbor lady, no snotty sister-in-law. The girls do move into a smaller home, but it's because they accidentally burn down their mansion and have to stay in their housekeeper's tiny apartment. What I'm saying is that this movie bears no resemblance whatsoever to Sense and Sensibility. I really hope that's coming across by now. 

What I liked

If I really have to pick something I liked, I'd say this movie does have a fun nostalgia factor. It's from 2006, and it shows. Bedazzled cell phones with sliding keyboards, skirts worn over jeans, teeny tiny cardigans, TiVo — oh yeah, that's the good stuff.

xXxXx T-Mobile Sidekick II 4-eva xXxXx <3 <3 =]

This look is ready for the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards orange carpet.

I haven't decided if this is a like or a dislike, but I definitely had some kind of feelings about Brent Spiner in this movie. While watching, I kept writing "poor Brent Spiner" in my notes, bigger and bigger each time. The terrible accent, the one earring, the oh-so-forced Star Trek reference... It was painful to watch. But maybe painful in a good way? Just pure, unadulterated pity.

Poor Brent Spiner, he fell so far.

What I disliked

Pretty much everything. The writing is bad, the acting is bad, the editing is bad, it's all just so bad. For some people, this movie might qualify as so bad it's good, or maybe a hate watch, but it didn't cross that threshold for me. If you like cringe, though, it has plenty to offer.

Oh my gawd.

Remember quirky asymmetrical split screen phone calls?

Also, this movie has the lowest stakes of all time. If the girls fail in their mission, then they end up with $120 million. If they succeed, they end up with a failing cosmetics company and their father's good name. It feels like I should be rooting for them to fail.

Adaptation wish list

1. Is it funny? — Yes, if you can laugh through the pain.
2. Is it bitchy? — Yes.
3. Is Brandon less pathetic? — It's a draw.
4. Is Marianne more believable? — No.

This is a bad movie. If you need further proof of that, look no further than the double Razzie nominations for both Hilary and Haylie: Worst Actress and Worst Screen Couple. This is also not a Sense and Sensibility adaptation, but you'll have to take my word on that.